


What eats away at you is how you end up biting others

by NatalieRyan



Series: Whumptober 2020 [15]
Category: MacGyver (TV 2016)
Genre: AU, Day 15, Emotional Whump, Feels, Flashback, Gen, Hurt Mac, Jack is the father Mac deserves, James MacGyver’s A+ parenting, James is Oversight, Mac Whump, Memories, Whump, Whumptober 2020, but also Walsh’s partner, he works on both sides, lots of feels, not a James MacGyver friendly story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-15
Updated: 2020-10-15
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:28:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27033439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NatalieRyan/pseuds/NatalieRyan
Summary: This story is an AU so I took some liberties with moving events and people so things would make more sense. I really love what my brain came up with on this one. For clarification I changed the day's prompt with the alternative prompt 7, "Found family".Mac has a flashback on a case, and it's connected to his childhood. Aka James is a shitty parent and a shitty person. And there's also an emotional talk with Jack. My poor poor boys.Thank you SabbyStarlight for listening me rant about this idea once upon a time, before I even knew I was gonna write it for Whumptober, and for the title. Once again, thank you to N1ghtshare for the beta and all around listening to me yell about this story and the other stories/ideas.
Relationships: Jack Dalton & Angus MacGyver (MacGyver TV 2016)
Series: Whumptober 2020 [15]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1948579
Comments: 12
Kudos: 41
Collections: Whumptober 2020





	What eats away at you is how you end up biting others

**Author's Note:**

  * For [N1ghtshade](https://archiveofourown.org/users/N1ghtshade/gifts), [SabbyStarlight](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SabbyStarlight/gifts).



> This story is an AU so I took some liberties with moving events and people so things would make more sense. I really love what my brain came up with on this one. For clarification I changed the day's prompt with the alternative prompt 7, "Found family".   
> Mac has a flashback on a case, and it's connected to his childhood. Aka James is a shitty parent and a shitty person. And there's also an emotional talk with Jack. My poor poor boys.   
> Thank you SabbyStarlight for listening me rant about this idea once upon a time, before I even knew I was gonna write it for Whumptober, and for the title. Once again, thank you to N1ghtshare for the beta and all around listening to me yell about this story and the other stories/ideas.

Mac wondered if all nightmares started like this one. Because it pretty damn felt like he was caught in a nightmare that he had no idea how to get out of. It was a run on the mill kind of mission, and Matty sent her finest team. It was only Mac and Jack this time, she didn't think Bozer and Riley would be of any use on the field, so they provided backup from the War Room.

The information reached Matty through Oversight, about a deal going down between a man called Jonah Walsh and his unnamed partner and the head of the La Ola cartel in Mexico, Luis Gomez, at an auto body shop slash workshop that Walsh used as a cover to run his businesses from. 

Mac felt a tingle in the back of his brain when the name Walsh was mentioned, but he couldn't pinpoint the exact time when he heard it. 

The deal was about selling a drug called KX-7 that the Phoenix was aware of for some years now, that was created by Walsh's silent partner, and the intel that Matty got was solid that the deal was supposed to happen today. 

Mac and Jack set up a camp in a nondescript sedan across from the body shop and watched as people came in and left their cars for repair or painting, or left with their already fixed cars. Mac had compiled a listening device and for some hours they were listening only about how satisfied their customers were. Mac was trying to figure out if these guys really had no idea about the cover of the shop or if they did know, they played along nicely. 

Mac busied himself with reading about Walsh on his way over (ironically, the shop was set up scarily close to Mission City, in North Cal) and he couldn't help, but realize just how similar Walsh's background was to Jack, minus the Delta days. Walsh was also ex-CIA, and if Mac had to guess, Walsh was probably recruited by an agency like the Phoenix at some point, because there were so many heavily redacted pages between the CIA stint and being Overwatch in the Army. This guy's redacted file put Riley's like a Christmas joke falling flat. 

There was nothing else there except that at one point between working with the CIA and being an Overwatch, Walsh had met his partner who no one knew about, but everyone knew existed. The brains behind the brawn on the KX-7 project, a smarter than average scientist who took it upon himself to create his own “super serum”. Mac was shaking his head at all the information Matty's source managed to gather on the drug. Apparently Walsh's partner wanted to create a drug that would enhance the abilities of soldiers to endure more in battles that were more of life or death situations. And apparently he tried to test the drug on some willing test subjects when it backfired. 

_ People _ , Mac had to remind himself. Those were people. People that somehow got convinced that they would get better at who they already were if they tried the drug. 

With the severe side effects of the drug, and the project being let go, the man in Walsh's shadow completely disappeared.

Matty was able to find that he went by the codename Chrysalis, and was also the person who tried to frame Patty Thornton before she retired from the director position at the Phoenix for a deep cover mission. 

As they sat in the car and watched the flow of people go in and out of the shop, Mac became more restless. He could feel something was wrong, and the more they sat in the car and did nothing, the more Mac felt dread in the pit of his stomach. 

“What do you think is going on in there? Besides the obvious?” Jack's voice brought Mac back to reality and he ran a hand through his hair. 

“I have no idea. My best guess is that if they don't have another location to spare, maybe a lab where Walsh's partner managed to create the drug?” 

“It's possible. The intel said that Walsh told Gomez to meet him here at 3pm to see the goods. And if the lab is on the inside, it makes sense to see the raw product on scene.” 

“I've skimmed through the information about the drug. Looks like whoever made this concoction uses highly flammable chemicals. We should be careful.”

“We will be. I'm always careful. You know that, right?” 

“Yeah, I do. Mr. Careful Careful.” 

Jack laughed and Mac was reminded of that first time Mac saved Jack and how something changed between them. If Mac had to pinpoint a moment, it was that exact moment when their relationship shifted for the better. 

Mac was brought back from his musings by a chatter his device picked up. He could feel Jack tense next to him and Jack's hand automatically went to his holster, while with the other he made a last minute check on all other things he brought with himself. It never hurt to be prepared. 

_ “Where is Gomez? You said he'd be here by 3pm. It's 3.15 now and he is a no show. I don't like doing business with people who are late.” _

Mac froze for a moment, because the voice sounded familiar. It was a long time ago since he last heard it. But it couldn't be, could it? Out of all places, this couldn't be the place where Mac will find  _ him _ . 

“Hoss, you okay? You look like you've seen a ghost?” 

“What? Oh, I'm fine.” 

Mac didn't think Jack believed him, but he left the conversation for now. Mac wasn't sure that his brain wasn't just playing mind tricks with him. Jack knew about Mac's childhood. The little things Mac felt comfortable to share with Jack didn't include… Mac didn't want to think about James right now. 

Jack tensed even more when they heard someone else replying to whoever was asking for the meeting. It was probably Walsh. 

_ “I took care of the meeting. Gomez is not coming. And the deal is sealed. It was, yesterday.” _

Mac could hear the smirk in the guy's voice. 

_ “What is it? Are you surprised? If we waited for you, you would have brought the police to our doors. I did your job, Jimmy.” _

Something cold gripped Mac's heart in a vice. Why was everything about  _ that _ person today? 

_ “I don't appreciate you changing our plans, Jonah.”  _

So one of the men was definitely Walsh. Mac appreciated the confirmation. 

_ “And you know how much I hate being lied to, James.” _ Walsh snapped.  _ “I know about the intel you gave your friend, whoever she is.” _

_ “I have no idea what you are talking about.” _

The man's voice wavered in anger, and Mac wasn't focusing on the name, because that could be just a coincidence. But if he remembered well, Mac had heard that same waver in the voice. When it was directed at him. 

Mac couldn't shake the uncomfortable feeling of going back into his past twenty some years ago. He was determined not to think about it. He couldn't afford for Jack to notice that he was having thoughts. 

Just, not today. 

Before Mac could dwell more on what this might mean, he felt Jack's hand on top of his and only then Mac realized he had squeezed his thigh to the point where his fingers were white as a sheet.

Mac looked up and was met with Jack's worried face. And somehow Mac knew it wasn't simply because they walked into a trap, it was more than that. Mac had no idea what his face did. 

“You okay?”

“Yeah, I'm good.” Mac deflected. He knew Jack wasn't going to leave it at that, not like earlier.

“I don't want to push. But you are not okay, Mac. First, you look like you've met your worst nightmare. Then you look like you ate something spoiled. And your thigh will now have finger shaped bruises from how hard you are squeezing the denim.” 

“Damn, Jack, someone would think you work for the FBI. Great profiling skills.”

“Good job on trying to deflect. I won't give up, though. Like I said, I'm not going to push. I just want you to be honest with me, okay?” 

Mac took a deep breath. 

“It's complicated. I want to tell you. I'm… I just need this one time to be in the wrong about this.”

“About what?”

“That voice. The unidentified one. I think I know the person it belongs to.” 

Jack's eyebrows merged with his hairline as he looked at Mac with questioning eyes. Just then a gunshot was heard, and Mac knew the talk would have to wait. Jack knew it, too, because he pulled his gun out of the holster, checked the safety and dashed across the street, Mac hot on his heels. 

Jack was barking a sit rep to Matty on comms about what they heard and what they were possibly walking into, and Matty replied that she would send their closest team to assist them. 

Jack burst through the doors of the body shop, gun raised, focus laser-sharp as he covered all angles. 

Mac kept close to Jack, as Jack cleared the place. There were two mechanics that were working on some muscle cars, but when they saw Mac and Jack they stopped pretending they were working and lunged at Jack and Mac.

It complicated things because they were left fighting the guys while whoever was back then probably fired a gun. 

Was it Walsh?

_ Was it…? _ No, Mac refused to think of that. He needed to focus on solving the current problem. 

And the current problem swung at him with a wrench. Mac was able to stop the hit, kicking the wrench out of his hand and using the momentum to knock the guy out. 

Mac headed to help Jack when someone came at him from behind and in one well practiced move before Mac was able to yell a warning for Jack, he closed a hand over Mac's mouth. 

Several things happened at once, and Mac knew that he royally fucked up even before his body fully caught up with his reaction. 

The smell of WD-40 assaulted his senses. The smell he associated with the person he was gonna tell Jack about. Something that was part of his childhood. A constant vapor in the air, getting into his clothes, into his nostrils…  _ his everyday life _ . 

Then, there was that well practiced maneuver. Something Mac was very familiar with. Especially since he still remembered it vividly whenever he looked at the scar on his lip in the mirror. 

The last clue that sent him to the spiral he felt coming was the little trail he left behind when he bit hard enough to skin the place and leave a crescent like pink scar on the junction between the thumb and the pointer finger knuckle.

Apparently  _ he _ tattooed the place, most probably to hide the scar, but Mac managed to see it. He wondered how he managed to realize all of it in just a few seconds, but he did. And just as it happened then, he managed to wiggle around and bit.  _ Hard _ . 

Mac thought about leaving another scar on the same place when he was backhanded. Just like when he was a kid. And it dazed him enough that his brain supplied him with the memories of that night and the subsequent trip to the ER. He still remembered his grandpa coming to the hospital and the fight he had with… James. And how James fucked off not long after that. 

Mac was aware that he was almost thirty years old and that he thought he was past the trauma. But having the same thing happening to him sent him into the flashback that he wasn't sure he was going to snap out of. 

The smell of motor oil was too sharp, the tang of coppery blood on his tongue where he bit the tip when he was backhanded making him sick. His brain tried to black out everything else going on around him because there were a familiar pair of blue eyes staring at him through the hooded mask. Mask or no mask, Mac would know those eyes everywhere, as well as the face hiding underneath. 

_ The man.  _

_ That person.  _

_ Him.  _

_ The one that walked out on Mac.  _

_ His father. _

_ James MacGyver _ . 

And then Mac noticed the gun. 

…

Jack wasn't sure what was going on with Mac, but something about the way his partner spaced out a couple of times during their stakeout was sitting wrong with Jack. He couldn't put his finger on what exactly had his spidey senses tingling, but something about this whole situation rubbed Mac the wrong way. 

And it was true that Jack was a chatterbox throughout stakeouts. He could get bored easily, especially since the same things happened time and time again, the same tired kind of faces coming to pick up their motorcycle, their car, bring a car for repair or painting job, the same old, same old. 

But something about this one bothered Jack. Mac was so focused that Jack thought that either the door to the shop would wind up in flames or the window would shatter in a million little pieces. 

As fun as the thought of Mac as Merlin was, Jack had to shake himself out of his thoughts and pay attention to the chatter. Especially when two voices on the inside started talking about the meeting they were sent to crash and catch them in the act. 

Jack had no idea what was going on with Mac, because the kid looked like he saw a ghost, face going pale, eyes turning into slits and a frown that scared Jack. And then when Walsh said the other person's name, Jack saw Mac's eyes going blank and he checked out for a few moments. Jack couldn't take it anymore, that look didn't belong on Mac's face. Whatever it was about this case had shaken his partner and Jack didn't know what he was supposed to do to help him out. 

Now if you knew Jack, you'd know that Jack could talk your ear off on a good day. But he also knew when to not say anything, keep quiet and observe. And it was obvious that if he started talking right now, he would antagonize Mac enough to get him to slip and tell Jack about what was bothering him. And Jack was going to be there for Mac. They worked together for ten years now, knew each other for longer before they were paired up. Jack was grateful for all those years and that Mac let him in and chose him as a partner. 

Just as suspected, Mac tried to deflect before he admitted to Jack that yes, indeed, something was up. 

And then they were interrupted by the gunshot. 

… 

Jack didn't know how it happened. Like, one moment he was calling Mac out on his strange behavior, worried about his partner, and in the next they got tangled with the two repairmen slash goons. 

It all went too fast in Jack's opinion. He didn't have enough time to prepare himself before the two guys advanced at him and Mac. Mac luckily got his opponent down fast, Jack not so much. 

Jack was looking at things from a perspective where he fought with his opponent and was watching out for Mac. Who was currently in a corner, lip split, the look on his face blank and unfocused as the man with the face mask loomed over him. Jack had enough. With two swift kicks he knocked out the guy in front of him. 

And then Jack almost froze mid-way when he saw the guy in front of Mac had a gun in his hand. 

Jack's hand went to his gun, but opted out of drawing it out. He noticed that the gun in the guy's hand wavered and he used the momentum to approach the hooded figure from behind. The man was built like Mac, tall, slender, but muscular and strong. And once the guy turned around, sensing Jack coming from behind, he even lunged at him as Mac would. 

Jack almost had a whiplash, being thrown back to the first day he met Mac in the Sandbox when he and Mac had their fight. 

Jack dodged the hits easily and dished out some of his own. 

And then, in a turn of the events Jack never could predict, not even his wildest dreams, he was pulling the hood off of the man's head. 

… 

James MacGyver was someone Jack had only seen in photographs. Granted, he knew the name and last name of his partner's father, but never met the guy. He left Mac when he was ten years old and Mac rarely talked about him. Jack never pried, because it looked like the kid didn't have fond memories from his childhood up to that point. But he'd seen the pictures Mac had from back when his family consisted of three. 

Jack blinked against the face that was staring at him. It was definitely James MacGyver, only older. 

There were things Jack didn't understand, and he wouldn't even try to, such as why here and why now? 

Why did it take so long for James to reappear after so many years, and why was he at the place they were sent on a mission, too? 

Jack knew that what he was going to do next could very well, possibly, put a dent in his friendship with Mac. But the fact was that Jack had no idea what James was doing here, out of all places in LA. In a well practiced move he had James MacGyver zip tied and led him to a corner in the body shop and then did the same to the guys that fought with him and Mac. 

Mac.

Jack returned his focus back on Mac, who hadn't moved from where he was still crouched against the wall. He was looking lost and it scared Jack. 

He approached slowly like he would a spooked horse back at the ranch, and kneeled in front of Mac and before Jack knew what was happening, Mac threw himself at him and Jack was suddenly being hugged so tightly he could feel his ribs move one against the other under Mac's grip. 

Jack returned the hug, and his heart was breaking for Mac. He didn't know what was wrong, just the fact that Mac refused to look at James and Jack could feel hot tears on the side of his neck where Mac was quietly crying.

In that moment the mission, Walsh, MacGyver senior and the bad guys, everything paled in front of the task of taking care of Mac. Mac was the most important person in his life and hell would freeze over before Jack made anything else a priority over his kid. 

…

It was hours later and Mac hadn't let go of Jack except for getting checked out, during briefing at the War Room and when he went to shower after they came home. 

The excruciating pain Mac felt deep in his soul, spreading to his bones, and consuming his whole body, led to Mac clinging to Jack the whole time like a koala. Jack would argue and tell him he was like an octopus. 

That made Mac smile and he just let himself enjoy the thought before he was brought back to reality. 

Briefing was an interesting affair and after all that happened, exhausting as well. 

Matty was rattled when she explained that she knew James as Oversight, but she knew him as James Jackson. That angered Mac even more because that was his mom's maiden name and it felt like James was dragging her name through the mud. 

Apparently James and Walsh were partners before they went rogue. And what Mac assumed was keeping a valuable position to be able to cover things up. 

Mac also noticed that no one from the team mentioned it when Mac referred to his father as James. He wanted to explain to them why that was, what was the reason, but he wasn't ready to reveal that part of himself. 

He wanted to tell Jack, though. Jack deserved to know. And after what happened at the body shop, Mac could tell Jack was trying not to pry and give Mac space. 

Well, space figuratively since Mac made it a personal mission to smother Jack with cuddles. 

Jack was always tactile and always gave touches, hugs and cuddles freely. Mac liked that and with time and the right person he let go as well and enjoyed the physical connection and comfort touch provided. Especially Jack. 

Jack was probably wondering about Mac's behavior. Mac almost never initiated hugs or if he did, it was after a mission that hit too close to home and Mac needed the reassurance they made it. Which was almost what happened earlier. 

Mac wanted to tell Jack about his episode, what he went through earlier, getting lost in his head. About the abuse he endured from James and it took him years to realize that just because there weren't any beatings involved didn’t mean that it wasn't abuse. James' words cut deep wounds in Mac's heart and Mac knew lots of his issues were connected with how James treated him. And how he handled the death of Mac's mom.

Jack was currently looking at something on his phone while he absentmindedly stroked Mac's hair. It was nice and comforting and Mac didn't want it to end. 

Mac could see that whatever it was had Jack rereading the same paragraph over and over and too late Mac realized Jack was reading the file on James. 

There were some little details no one knew if they were true or if they were duped and made to believe Oversight had their behalf in mind. And what exactly was James' tactic with giving Matty the intel on the deal with Gomez. Was he double crossed as well, or was he just setting the scene? 

Mac finally remembered where he heard Walsh's name and it was in the notes he read on James' papers that he often left lying around. Little curious Angus was always looking for answers and before long he had the components for the KX-7 identified while the Phoenix lab techs struggled for years. It took only one moment with James after so long to unlock Mac's memories. Mac was sure his brain created a brake to protect him from going back to that time of his life. 

Jack finally pocketed his phone, although he was still looking lost in thought. Mac knew that he should do something about it, but he had no idea how to start the conversation. 

Jack was suddenly on his feet and headed to the kitchen. He banged with pots and pans, and Mac let him. They had to deal with this eventually. Currently Jack was trying to stay very calm, but not succeeding. 

…

Jac didn't know how to start the conversation he so desperately wanted to have with Mac. All his bravery from earlier vanished, leaving him empty and spent. Never in a million years he would have guessed that they'd stumble upon Mac's old man, let alone finding out he was their boss. Jack was baffled, and rattled. Things took a wrong turn very fast and he was left reeling in the aftermath.

Subconsciously he knew that he was surprisingly calm about all of it, but on the inside he was a wreck. All he wanted was for Mac to tell him what was wrong, but now Jack wasn't sure how much Mac was willing to share. Jack remembered when Mac told him that he recognized the voice of one of the men, and suddenly it made more sense. 

Something definitely happened when Mac was a kid. And Jack's heart ached. He didn't want to think about Mac going through hell so young. But whatever it was, it definitely left a dent in how Mac viewed himself and how he handled things. 

The way Mac held himself at arm's length sometimes, blushing at compliments and disregarding them, like if someone thought he was pretty or competent Mac didn't believe them. He was hella self conscious, and often Mac drove himself in corners when he tried to achieve perfection. Jack worked on breaking that habit for years. 

Jack waited for the milk to warm up before he added the hot chocolate mix and he stirred. Once it was done, he poured it in two mugs, pulled the marshmallows and placed a few in each mug and topped it off with chocolate sprinkles. Jack was in the mood for something warm and comforting, he hoped Mac was too. 

He returned to the couch with the mugs and Mac immediately moved to make space for Jack. Mac sniffed the air and then smiled. He made grabby hands and Jack chuckled. Hot chocolate was the way to get Mac smiling. 

They sipped in silence and Jack could tell Mac was gearing up to say something but the silence was comfortable.

“Sorry I checked out earlier today.” Mac spoke after he had most of his hot chocolate consumed. He looked to his lap, eyes not meeting Jack's. 

It almost felt like Mac was embarrassed with the way he reacted, like it was a bad thing. Things happened in the field, and Jack had almost double the years Mac did, with trauma and PTSD to attest to that. It could be a liability or hindrance. But whenever there were circumstances leading to someone just losing it, Jack wasn't one to hold it over their heads. 

“It's okay.”

“No, it isn't.” 

“It's understandable, hoss.”

“I freaked out. I really lost it. Thought I was back… home.” 

Mac was still looking at his lap, hands squeezing the mug, knuckles white from the strong grip. 

“The same thing happened when I was eight. He was working on a project and the whole house smelled like chemicals and motor oil. Guess now I know what exactly he was doing.” 

Mac's voice sounded dejected, and Jack wanted to punch James MacGyver. 

“I was just a kid, but he always employed my help. Told me that I should learn things. That I was old enough to understand some things. That I was extraordinary, but if I kept playing games and hanging out with my peers that all of that will affect my ability to think.” 

“Son of a-”

Jack bit his tongue from completing that sentence. That made Mac look up and Jack was a little bit shocked to see a smirk on Mac's face. 

“Son of a bitch? Yes, he was. Well, I guess he still is. It actually took me a while to realize that.” 

Mac sighed. 

“One day he worked on this experiment, I have no idea what it was. He left things scattered around. Always. And I had a headache that day. I was coming down with something or other, and you know how I'm always a klutz. I tripped over his experiment. Broke the vials and got burned with something when it touched my skin. The crash was loud. He was somewhere around in the house and when he saw me, he flipped. I don't know what got into me, but I ran. And he caught up to me. 

“He approached me from behind, caught me under his arm and I screamed when he touched the place where I burned myself. He closed his hand around my mouth, I don't know why he did that. I panicked. He backhanded me.”

Mac touched his lip where he had a fresh cut now and closed his eyes. 

“I ended up biting my upper lip. Something happened and I ended up with blood gushing from it. Almost swallowed the blood. He seemed worried afterwards, though. He cleaned me up. Tended my wounds. He stitched my lip because the cut was bigger than expected. He did a shit job.” 

“That's how you got the scar.” Jack stated and he saw Mac nod. 

“Yep. That's how I got the scar.” 

“Did he…“ Jack wanted to ask if James hit Mac, but didn't know how to phrase it without being too blunt. 

“That was the only time he hit me. Most of the time he was yelling or screaming at me. He punished me with taking things from me. Distractions, he called them. And he'd threaten me sometimes about what he'd do if I disobeyed. That was the first and only time.”

“I'm so sorry, Mac. That is… I have no words.” 

“I want to think it wasn't my fault. But for so long I thought it was me. That I was somehow wrong. Not enough. Always at fault because I wasn't good enough, the way he wanted me to be. I tried, but he would always want more, ask for more. I didn't know what else I could do to please him, you know? I did everything as he asked me. I was afraid if I didn't that he'd punish me. But there was always more.” 

“There is no explanation about that except that his sense of what was right and wrong was warped, Mac. I have a hard time to imagine you being anything else than the sweetest kid. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Now I feel sorry for not knocking his teeth when I could.” 

Jack almost growled the last words and then stopped himself. He just told Mac that he'd want to punch his father and really, wasn't that putting him in the same basket as James? Wasn't he just like that man, resorting to violence, instead of going with a less violent approach?

But Jack couldn't help it, he really believed that in James' case words wouldn't work. And he wasn't above going and asking Matty to give him some private time with James. Then Jack could teach him a few things about how you treated your son and then beat some sense into James. 

Jack shook his head. He knew Mac wouldn't want Jack to do that, no matter how hurt he ended up being in the hands and words of James. Mac was just like that. A good soul that didn't wish wrong to people, even when they stepped on him. 

“Sorry about that.”

“You don't have to apologize, Jack. I get it.” 

Mac looked at him with sympathetic eyes and Jack felt like he didn't deserve it. 

“I feel like I'm just another man that brings violence in your life. I don't want that. I don't think I realized that until now.”

Mac suddenly sat up and Jack flinched a bit at the intensity of the movement. 

“Jack, what are you talking about?” 

Jack didn't want to say it, but he guessed that he brought this on himself. 

“it's easy to trigger my violent self Mac. My blood runs hot sometimes. I… haven't thought about it recently, but I used to be impulsive. How many times have you seen me use my hands to destr-”

“Now hold up a minute,” Mac raised a hand and Jack promptly shut up. “Jack, you are the most selfless person I know. It is true, you can be violent, but you use that violence to keep us all safe. You are not violent on purpose.”

“But…”

“But what? You don't enjoy hurting anyone. Your violence is just means to an end.” 

Jack winced. 

“Shit, that came out wrong. I didn't mean it like that. Look,” Mac pointedly kept Jack's gaze as he spoke. “You can't be farther from what my father was like even if you tried. Jack, you are not a monster.” 

Jack deflated. 

“I'm sorry. I made this about me when it's clearly not something that was my intention. I'm sorry.” 

Mac moved closer to where Jack was sitting and took Jack's hands in his and squeezed. 

“These hands are capable of more than just shooting people or kicking their butts. They pulled my ass out of literal fire and so many other situations where it was impossible to get out of. You've done so much for me, Jack. I don't think you realize that.” 

Jack didn't want to admit to himself, but the situation they were in and his ugly thoughts making themselves known were taking its toll on him. 

“I was damaged way before you came along. And the reason why I never mentioned it is because talking about it would have made it more real. And I hate feeling vulnerable. Jack, the only thing you should know is that whatever happens, you are not a destroyer. You are not my father.” 

Jack felt a pang in his chest. If there was one thing he felt about Mac outside of how much he loved the kid was that he thought of himself as the kid's adoptive father. And he never acknowledged it because he wasn't sure how Mac would react to being that to Jack. 

Now Jack knew. 

“Shit, I'm not saying anything right. You are not my father in the sense that you'd never let me down, Jack. You've never told me I'm not good enough. You always encourage my creativity and you let me babble about science and stuff. You never ask me to change. Not once you have been annoyed with me because I'm the weird, annoying kid with the long hair.”

That wrung a chuckle out of Jack and he couldn't help but grin. 

“There's not a bone in that body o' yours with self preservation in it.”

“True. That's why I have you. You are not like my father, Jack. Because you are my father in no ways he was ever going to be.” 

Jack wasn't going to cry. He wasn't going to cry, damn it. 

“Jack, you are so important to me. And you are not James.” 

Jack felt several things happen at once. And he didn't have the right words to express what he wanted. 

Instead what got out was a loud sob and he spread his arms in invitation. 

…

That was all that Mac needed to throw himself in Jack's embrace. It was more than expected, he wanted it, and Mac knew Jack held himself back but when Mac squeezed tighter, Jack just clung to him. Mac wasn't ashamed to feel tears running down his cheeks, it was a long time coming in his case. All the emotions he repressed throughout the years about his father, what it was like to live with him, to be viewed as a trophy, or a prized possession. Being seen as the kid that was always supposed to be the greatest in everything, and not fail. 

Mac still felt from time to time like failing was something that should not be in his vocabulary. But there was Jack to show him that he was good enough, worthy enough, to exist like he was, that he wasn't an anomaly just because he wanted to take a break and to do things at a normal pace. 

Jack was there for him. He taught Mac so much. Gave Mac so much from himself. And Mac wanted to give Jack something like that as well. Give Jack the reassurance he needed that Jack was important. That he was someone that Mac wished he had his whole life. 

He didn't want to let go. Wanted to stay in Jack's embrace forever, cocooned in the warmth and safety of those strong arms that gave the best hugs and offered so much comfort. 

Mac felt confident to say the words that he always felt like undercurrents when it came to Jack. Mac was always one to show the love for his family with deed. But he had the need to say those words. For Jack to know. 

“I love you, Jack.” and then tacked “Thanks for the hot chocolate” for a good measure in case he messed up saying those words. 

Jack apparently didn't mind. He tightened the grip around Mac and didn't react badly. Jack often said to Mac that he loved him. He made it his mission to show Mac that he was important to Jack. He only deserved to hear it right back. 

“Love you too, kiddo.”

And Mac knew that there were shit ton of issues they both had to swim through to get to the shore. But they had each other to help and heal. And Mac wouldn't have it any other way. 

They were going to be alright.

**Author's Note:**

> Thoughts?


End file.
